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Deep in infatuation after becoming regular - addiction as personal growth question


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Old 11-26-2019, 09:13 PM
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Lightbulb Deep in infatuation after becoming regular - addiction as personal growth question

I wanted to be a smoker at ooh, age 7?

But it's taken me till 38 to let myself go properly into it. I've smoked sometimes of course since age 14, but never let myself go properly because my self-image always used SO much to be the kind of person who wouldn't smoke.

My mental health is better now after years of personal work, so I have fewer anxiety problems for nicotine to risk getting on the wrong side of.

It's just amazing atm, sucking down every one of my ~10 Marlboro Reds, knowing I'm becoming more and more deeply addicted with each deep drag, watching my clouds of smoke, and enjoying making my apartment a smoker's home.

I am a complex childhood trauma survivor, I have serious issues with intimacy and deep personal relationships... And I think I've known for a long time that I have to go through the life experience of forming a deep committed relationship with Marlboro, and relishing that, and contemplating it over a period of time.

Like, I'm in love with my cigarettes right now, and I have to follow the love, and I believe I will learn more about love and its limitations and downsides, and different forms of love, as a result of my love affair with nicotine.

I'm not really out as a smoker yet, and it will involve presenting myself differently to people, learning new social rituals, and leaning towards smokers over non-smokers. And yeah, when I get back to the dating thing, I'll be dating the smokers, often the most interesting and dark people, and cigarettes and cravings will be shared in my future relationships. I know that's kind of what I've wanted, but I'm only admitting it to myself now.

Can anyone else relate to their love affair with nicotine being a journey of personal exploration and growth?
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Old 11-27-2019, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by BecameRegularAge38 View Post
I wanted to be a smoker at ooh, age 7?

But it's taken me till 38 to let myself go properly into it. I've smoked sometimes of course since age 14, but never let myself go properly because my self-image always used SO much to be the kind of person who wouldn't smoke.

My mental health is better now after years of personal work, so I have fewer anxiety problems for nicotine to risk getting on the wrong side of.

It's just amazing atm, sucking down every one of my ~10 Marlboro Reds, knowing I'm becoming more and more deeply addicted with each deep drag, watching my clouds of smoke, and enjoying making my apartment a smoker's home.

I am a complex childhood trauma survivor, I have serious issues with intimacy and deep personal relationships... And I think I've known for a long time that I have to go through the life experience of forming a deep committed relationship with Marlboro, and relishing that, and contemplating it over a period of time.

Like, I'm in love with my cigarettes right now, and I have to follow the love, and I believe I will learn more about love and its limitations and downsides, and different forms of love, as a result of my love affair with nicotine.

I'm not really out as a smoker yet, and it will involve presenting myself differently to people, learning new social rituals, and leaning towards smokers over non-smokers. And yeah, when I get back to the dating thing, I'll be dating the smokers, often the most interesting and dark people, and cigarettes and cravings will be shared in my future relationships. I know that's kind of what I've wanted, but I'm only admitting it to myself now.

Can anyone else relate to their love affair with nicotine being a journey of personal exploration and growth?
I can somewhat relate - For many years Id resisted the temptation to give smoking a serious try and then reached a point where I decided to let myself go, as you put it. I had a sense that after being good Id earned the privilege to try it. There was something very liberating about it - buying an ashtray, buying packs and then cartons, smoking initially just at home but then in public, gradually in front of friends and family. Several milestones.

Of course the initial try (now seven years ago) turned into a regular habit. No regrets about that though. The experience has far exceeded expectations, Id had no idea how much pleasure Id get from it!
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